It’s only January 15th and I am already late with a few things on my schedule. I’ve fallen into the trap of saying too many yesses one more time and this is the result.
One of the too many yesses was said to someone who I thought was a friend, who asked me to help with his job and his website: I wasn’t exactly full of enthusiasm at the idea, but It was a moment in which I had very little to do, and so…I said yes. Who am I to turn down a job offer, right?
But my gut is always right because it turns out it’s a total waste of my time, and it’s slowing me on the only thing I want to do: draw. It’s slowing me down on the only thing that it’s making me earn money, on the only job I have! But since it doesn’t feel like a job, since I love it so much, since I can’t wait to get up in the morning to sit at my desk and play with my watercolors…
…this is the right word! PLAY. It feels like playing and it makes me feel guilty. Who am I to make money while playing? Who am I to be this happy about something? And so I sabotaged myself. Unconsciously. Again.
In my defense, I need to say that I have become a lot better at saying no, but I just found out there is a little bit more of work to do. It’s totally fine.
So the beginning of this year has been a bit rough. There no lotus flower without a bit of mud, I keep on telling myself.
I wanted to open up my new shop two weeks ago, but this so-called job slowed me down a lot and then, just as I had a couple of days off to work on it, my iMac decided to leave me. What a nightmare. I bought a cheap second-hand PC that will work for now as I have no funds for a new iMac, and I am working on my shop as I type. I don’t want to have any other distractions and launch it as soon as I get all the files ready. Hopefully by the end of this week.
Because of all this tension, my back got stuck. What. Pain. It happens to me quite often and especially when I am very tense or feel trapped in something. I get too tense, and my back gets too rigid until it can’t move anymore. I’m on the mend, but I should know better…
…DON’T SAY YES. Not to people who don’t help themselves. If they don’t move a finger to learn how to solve their problems, why should I do all their work? My experience has taught me that these are the people who are going to point their fingers at you and blame you for all that didn’t work out in their lives while they did absolutely nothing to make things better.
Bottom line, I still need to learn how to love myself 24/7. I got a lot better at that, but there is still a bit of work to do. Feeling guilty because I love what I am doing is SO STUPID. I worked for this. I’ve spit blood, I’ve starved, I’ve sacrificed everything for my freedom. I went against everyone and I’ve been alone.
I deserve this. It didn’t come for free.
And no matter how strange it started I can predict that 2019 will be a fun year.
Let’s do this.